Wednesday, October 14, 2015

PSAT - real time on social media !!


(this is my face right now!!)

so I took the PSAT today–it wasn't that hard, but there wasn't enough time... it was so short, with no time to check your work–but anyway, that's not the best part. when I got home, I looked on instagram and there was already a #psat2015 hashtag on twitter and instagram with people posting all these edits and memes form the test, and they're crazy funny. they're not really funny to anyone else, but it's basically an inside joke between everyone who took the test today and IT'S SO FUNNY I'M DYING!!! they're all relevant to some part of the test, like a reading passage or a math problem or the grammar section, and it's awesome seeing these because it makes you feel about taking the test because you know all these people had the same struggles / confusions with it as you did.

this twitter feed with the same hashtag is really funny:


and this is my FAVORITE ONE:

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

keep it moving, rolling, flowing

it literally NEVER stops.

I thought I had minimal homework tonight–I got home at 5:00–and I just finished.

tomorrow I'm taking the PSATs... I wonder how that'll go.

Ooo, today I got glasses! They're a clear frame and I think they look pretty cool – they also make everything supremely clear, so helpfully that'll help me see better and reduce my headaches. Last night, two of my friends came over and then we went to my other friends house for dinner, which was really fun. It was all five of us and we were just hanging out and eating dinner and chilling (on a school night!) and it was just really really fun. Fun people! And everyone could be themselves, not worry / or filter themselves, just be open and relaxed and have a good time being with good people. It felt really good! And then one of my friends slept over and we spent the whole night talking about how although the workload is insane right now, our social situation is really really good–it's genuine, it's fun, it's with raw, real, hilarious, down to earth-people. It's great!

But we went to bed super late and both slept terribly and woke up at 7am... but it's all worth it! Right? (or so we tell ourselves because it's the only way we'll get through it... because like I said, it never stops.)

here's my picture of the day... from my trip to LA, which I can hardly believe was more than three months ago! wow. time doesn't fly by. well, it does. really, really fast.


Monday, October 12, 2015

PSA: current state of overwhelming happiness – contrary to the circumstances!

So today is Columbus day, which essentially just means no school.

Gee thanks, Columbus, for discovering this place where ALL I DO IS HOMEWORK 24/7.

I've spent a solid 5 hours on my lab report over these past few days–no joke! And my history readings are massive, the Chinese vocabulary is never-ending, and my lit essay is peering down at my from above sneakily waiting to seize me the second I think I'm free.

It's actually okay, though. I feel fine, if not actually really pretty good! I haven't been outside for over 48 hours, and have pretty much remained in the triangular vicinity of the kitchen, my desk, and the couch... so instead of being restless and depressed I'm surprisingly feeling quite positive. Plus the mango I'm eating right now–which I cut up FOR MY SELF WHILE STANDING ON ONE LEG!–is really really good.

I'm supposed to hangout out with my friends later today, but no one is responding in the group chat and only he girls are making legitimate plans... not to stereotype or anything (!!) but boys are generally pretty bad at planning anything until about ten seconds before it happens! Oh well. My friend is also coming over tonight to sleepover and help me get to school tomorrow as I am still on crutches and even walking to the bathroom is like fighting WWII. But! Alas! I'm surviving.

I'm feeling really weird – I would never say alas – but you know what, I'm just gonna roll with it!

One of my dad's favorite concepts is this idea of the dialogue–that we all constantly have so many different dialogues with different things going on all at once. A dialogue with your friends, with your family, with your schoolwork, with your music, etc. And his way of approaching things, especially challenging, sometimes painful things, is to try and open up a dialogue with them. He said to me, Lola, open up a dialogue with your leg, start a conversation, let it know you want it to heal and the two of you can work something out.

It's sort of a wonderful, brilliant concept. I don't think we realize how many relationships we have going on all the time. Our idea of what a relationship means is sort of so limiting and if we look at in in the sense of our interactions with everything around us, it can be really freeing and a vehicle for us to communicate with ourselves and with the world.

Anyway, I'm just feeling really positive and collected and calm. One thing that's definitely helped with that is the conversation I had with my dad a few nights ago before my parents left on their trip. A lot of shit had gone down over the last few weeks, with constant arguments, misunderstandings, tears, and hurt feelings for honestly such unnecessary reasons. We're both so similar: so sort of stubborn, adamant, hungry to let one another know that we're right–although, what's ironic about that is we view ourselves as open and willing to accept new ideas and ways of looking at things, but really we're often the opposite. So although many of our conversations are wonderful and so insightful and fun and fascinating, often we end up in these heated debates that we could have easily prevented if we were both just a little more willing to listen to one another.

We finally, finally talked about it–for real. We listened to each other and it was one of the most powerful, down to earth, honest discussions we've ever had. I love him so so so much and he's one of my very best friends and I hate being on bad terms with him. With anyone, really, but especially family. It's just not worth it. It hurts, it's painful, but it shouldn't be because in truth everyone really has so much love for one another.

ooooooooof. So that's nice to not have to worry about now. We are on really great terms and it's making me really happy.

Also my parents are having a great time in Miami – they're sending me all these pictures and they both look so happy and relaxed and peaceful and that's also making me happy!

And I'm texting my old friend and she just sent me a picture of her adorable little new dog and that's also making me really happy!

And it's the time of fall where the leaves on all the trees are turning this gorgeous greenish gold and it's so beautiful and the light is shining through them right outside my window and that's also making me really happy!

And I'm really into my new haircut so that's also making me really happy!

And I watched a cool documentary on design called Objectified last night and I learned a lot and I'm super into design and especially product design and that's also making me happy!

I'm also getting these cool new glasses that are clear soon so hopefully that'll not only help my eyes but actually look cool so that's making me happy!

And life's really so rich and full of so many wonderful things, and sometimes it's so hard to believe that and to see that but it's really, really true! If there's one thing I've learned form this absurdly intense and rigorous school system, and cross country as well, is that there will be certain things in life that are so hard to push through, so hard to not give up, so hard to keep going and tell yourself that it's going to be okay, so unbelievably challenging and consuming and wicked but when you get through these things, when you're done, there's this feeling of immense accomplishment, of invincibility, that you can do anything and you can survive. Really. We can do it.

Sunday, October 11, 2015

stress fractures & guidebooks

i feel so awful, and i don't know why.

i feel like i have nothing to do, and yet, i have so much. endless homework, but also so many other things i want to do for myself.

i just don't have energy to do anything.

my leg hurts - after my last cross country 5k race on wednesday i collapsed and could not walk only to realize that i have a stress fracture in my left tibia that had been getting worse and worse as i pushed harder and harder into the season but finally turned itself in. and now i am on crutches and will not be able to walk for at least 3 weeks.

next week i have a chemistry exam, chinese midterm, math exam, a global essay due, and a literature essay due.

i want to finish my book, play guitar, do my design project, create my app, take more pictures, paint, make big art projects, work on coding, read, listen to music, watch movies, be with my friends

and yet i'm sitting here doing nothing.

this is such a cliche question but is so relevant and so real - what's the point?

really, what is it? i'd love to know.

because my mom'll come and tell me, the point is for yourself, to do what makes you happy, and yeah, sure, but there's so much else i have to do, i can't now do these other things or i won't be able to survive in this society - school is brutal beyond brutal and yes i enjoy it but only up to a point, i can't enjoy it anymore because it's consuming me and swallowing me whole, leaving no time for anything else - yes, maybe if i worked on making time i could, maybe if i zoomed through my homework and finished it quickly, yes, but that's so hard, it's so tedious, it's often so boring, it takes so much energy, ahhh, it doesn't really seem like i'm doing it for myself, i'm doing it because this world requires it, it's really a lot, a lot of stress, pressure, stress, after all my injury is called a stress fracture so i guess even my calf is feeling it ?!]

what do i do?

i so often wish there was a guidebook, a rulebook, something i could follow because at certain points i don't know what to do with myself. yes my life is wonderful and so full with love and opportunity and creativity but really, i feel like a burnt pancake -

even my analogies are rusty ! help! i'm taking the psat's on wednesday!

help ! i'm on crutches so i can't walk! help ! i'm so thirsty but the fridge is a full 10 feet away and i'm alone in this big house in the middle of this crowded city and i'm so thirsty and my eyes are hurting, i need glasses, my head is pounding, like usual, my lips are chapped, my lab report isn't finished despite the hours i've spent on it, my future is all depending on now, pressure, stress, oh my my stress fracture just can't take it anymore