Monday, February 15, 2016

wow what

I don’t know what im feeling / how im feeling / I don’t know if its good or bad or mad or sad or happy or upset or crazy or free or trapped or loose or tight or ANYTHING / one second I think im feeling something and then I put on a song and my entire mood SHIFTS / there are a lot of songs that make me feel this super precise feeling / super exact feeling / I know exactly what it is in my mind / but there’s no way at all that I could possible put it in words / it’s a feeling that makes me want to dive into the ocean and drink all the water in it / it makes me want to paint myself yellow / it makes me want to hug every single person that I’ve ever encountered / it makes me want to choke myself and never want to breathe again / it makes me want to climb a thousand feet and jump down into an infinite pool of waer / I cant stress this dichotomy enough / its so fucking fucked up but so fucking wonderful at the same time / I hate it I love it / but im telling you when these songs play I go INSANE / I cant feel myself anymore / I run away from myself inside myself / I am you him her them us / I want to smash a window and watch the glass shatter in slow motion / all these images / dark / light / I really really really actually seriously don’t care what they say anymore / HOW IS THIS MUSIC SO REAL FOR ME / I see my brother sitting there in the corner / totally in his own world / not affected at all by what’s going around him / I’m going to crush this lightbulb with my bare fingers / I want the ink to leak out of all my pens and stain my entire life with mismatched colors / I want to layer on every single sweatshirt I have and drown in all the fabric / there’s no YOU I DON’T KNOW WHAT ALL THESE SONGS ARE REFERENCING / why am I such a SHIT ASS PERSON / but im fucking incredible / there are so many things ahead of me / there are so many trashy things that I really love / Im always way too concerned about doing things for OTHER people, for OTHER reasons, but I need to start doing things for MYSELF / things are so much easier when I think about them / my mind is a level 1 and life is at a level that isn’t even quantifiable / ahhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! / no matter how many times I cover my ears with my hands and tell myself this can’t be real, I open my eyes and every time, it’s all the same

I’m actually really really happy. can I still have these feelings?