I'm trying to be an artist and a writer and a high school student; I'm trying to take ACT prep courses and make a photography website and be a big sister; I'm trying to create an app and get a boyfriend and be on my school's soccer team; I'm trying to have fun and be social and be healthy and watch TV and read; I'm trying to have good style and get enough sleep and go to concerts; I'm trying to make new friends and spend time with my family and finish all my homework.
I'm trying to be me and to become more of me and learn about me but me is many and everywhere and I'm having a bit of a hard time juggling it all. I'm trying to accept that dropping the pins once in a while might just be okay if I can somehow get the others higher in the air.
Monday, February 15, 2016
I don’t know what im feeling / how im feeling / I don’t know if its good or bad or mad or sad or happy or upset or crazy or free or trapped or loose or tight or ANYTHING / one second I think im feeling something and then I put on a song and my entire mood SHIFTS / there are a lot of songs that make me feel this super precise feeling / super exact feeling / I know exactly what it is in my mind / but there’s no way at all that I could possible put it in words / it’s a feeling that makes me want to dive into the ocean and drink all the water in it / it makes me want to paint myself yellow / it makes me want to hug every single person that I’ve ever encountered / it makes me want to choke myself and never want to breathe again / it makes me want to climb a thousand feet and jump down into an infinite pool of waer / I cant stress this dichotomy enough / its so fucking fucked up but so fucking wonderful at the same time / I hate it I love it / but im telling you when these songs play I go INSANE / I cant feel myself anymore / I run away from myself inside myself / I am you him her them us / I want to smash a window and watch the glass shatter in slow motion / all these images / dark / light / I really really really actually seriously don’t care what they say anymore / HOW IS THIS MUSIC SO REAL FOR ME / I see my brother sitting there in the corner / totally in his own world / not affected at all by what’s going around him / I’m going to crush this lightbulb with my bare fingers / I want the ink to leak out of all my pens and stain my entire life with mismatched colors / I want to layer on every single sweatshirt I have and drown in all the fabric / there’s no YOU I DON’T KNOW WHAT ALL THESE SONGS ARE REFERENCING / why am I such a SHIT ASS PERSON / but im fucking incredible / there are so many things ahead of me / there are so many trashy things that I really love / Im always way too concerned about doing things for OTHER people, for OTHER reasons, but I need to start doing things for MYSELF / things are so much easier when I think about them / my mind is a level 1 and life is at a level that isn’t even quantifiable / ahhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! / no matter how many times I cover my ears with my hands and tell myself this can’t be real, I open my eyes and every time, it’s all the same
I’m actually really really happy. can I still have these feelings?
Posted by Lola at 9:08 PM