Saturday, October 25, 2014

I'm crazy.
I scream a lot.
I notice it while I'm doing it, but it's so hard to stop once you've already started.
I get so mad at other people for the smallest things and then I scream at them and end up looking like a selfish little brat.
Which I'm not. And I hope people don't see me as that.
And then I get so mad at myself.
That's the worst.
Being mad at yourself.
That's the hardest to accept, let alone mend.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Babushka & Dedushka

My grandparents just left.
Babushka and Dedushka.
They live in California, we live in New York.
Practically a million miles away.

The two week they spent here with us were wonderful.
These things–a quick chat as I rush to eat breakfast before school; the massages I get while I do my math homework; the spontaneous shopping sprees; the nightly games of cards; the theatre shows; the little gifts–however tacky, they're all filled with love; the smiles; the compliments, the advice; the stories; the Russian, the words I pick up on after a while; the sleeping tea; lolachka, romachka; a kiss on the cheek; morning kisses, after school kisses, bedtime kisses; love love love; cutlets and zuchinni pancakes; chopping up those veggies; trying to help; cottage cheese, good lord; newspaper clippings; "technology is amazing!".

So much more.

And yes.
They're old.
And stubborn.
And eat dinner at 4pm.

BUT they're so kind. So loving. So generous. So wonderful. So beautifully loving. So encouraging. So helpful. So sweet. So fantastic to have them around, even as we go about our normal routines. It's just great to have them there.

As they left I had tears in my eyes.
You don't know what will come next.

I love them so much.
I miss their presence already.

I hope they'll be with me, laughing, at my wedding.
I hope.

They will. They'll make it.
Aw. Ah. I really do love them.
And I know they love me too.

It all goes so quickly.

It was a marvelous visit.
I love them.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

October 8th: 2013-2014

One year ago exactly, Sammy died. One whole year.
Which just reminds me how stupid, random, and just unfair this world is.
What happened to him could of happened to anyone. Anyone.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry holy fuck ugh this is bullshit.
I feel for his family, his friends. I'm sorry I'm sorry because it's really not far.
I wish you were here Sammy.


Tuesday, October 7, 2014

lol so in gym today, the teacher was absent.
in my previous schools, when this happened, we'd usually just go on our phones and socialize, right?
well nuh-uh my friend!
the substitute read to us directions for the assignment the teacher had left us.
then he handed us a dense, 8 page article.
about sports.
he said to read it, annotate it, and write a two page essay on it.

did I mention this was gym class?

welcome to Bard!!

Saturday, October 4, 2014

3 2 1 gone

I'm kind of lost and I have no idea who I am or where I am or what I am.
When I was walking down the street today, as raindrops brushed against my cheeks, I started to think.
I started thinking about thinking.
A young couple walked by.
The guy kissed the girl's cheek and they laughed.
And then I looked at my hands and I looked at my feet and I started to wonder who I really was. Am.
And I wondered how I got there, to that moment, walking down the wet sidewalk on a Saturday in New York.

I'm trying to think how to put my thoughts into words, because I can't really describe it.
The indescribable mind is both so evil and beautiful at the same time.

And at that moment I just felt like clenching my teeth and and smashing my head open until it burst into a million pieces.

But of course I didn't do that.

Now I'm not walking anymore.
I'm standing still in the middle of the rainy sidewalk.
I'm sitting in the middle of the rainy sidewalk.
I close my eyes and fall over.

I wonder how I'm here. If the past is unretrievable and the future is always ahead, I wonder if anything matters but now.
But the crazy part is that here wouldn't be here if it weren't for then.
So it's not now that matters, only everything else.

I'm sort of having the worst and the best time of my life.
I love high school but I also really hate it.
I have friends but I'm all alone.
I win race after race but I feel like I'm loosing.

But everything's kind of perfect.
But nothing's working.

My pumpkin pie is almost finished baking.
It's October.

That's what's so confusing!
Time isn't flying it's zipping by, not leaving any spare moments to enjoy the now.

I'm confused and lost but every time I find an answer there's not enough time to put it to use.

I keep doing work for other people and nothing for myself.

My retainer hurts.

My friend just sent me a snapchat.

3 her eyes are shut 2 she's lying on the ground 1 she's holding something 0 she's gone.

3 2 1 gone.

Gone gone.

Gone with the wind.

Gone girl.

Gone gone. You'll be gone one day so I wonder if it's worth holding on to now; if it's even worth trying to hold on to  now because it's so short.

I'm confused.

3 2 1 gone.