Sunday, October 11, 2015

stress fractures & guidebooks

i feel so awful, and i don't know why.

i feel like i have nothing to do, and yet, i have so much. endless homework, but also so many other things i want to do for myself.

i just don't have energy to do anything.

my leg hurts - after my last cross country 5k race on wednesday i collapsed and could not walk only to realize that i have a stress fracture in my left tibia that had been getting worse and worse as i pushed harder and harder into the season but finally turned itself in. and now i am on crutches and will not be able to walk for at least 3 weeks.

next week i have a chemistry exam, chinese midterm, math exam, a global essay due, and a literature essay due.

i want to finish my book, play guitar, do my design project, create my app, take more pictures, paint, make big art projects, work on coding, read, listen to music, watch movies, be with my friends

and yet i'm sitting here doing nothing.

this is such a cliche question but is so relevant and so real - what's the point?

really, what is it? i'd love to know.

because my mom'll come and tell me, the point is for yourself, to do what makes you happy, and yeah, sure, but there's so much else i have to do, i can't now do these other things or i won't be able to survive in this society - school is brutal beyond brutal and yes i enjoy it but only up to a point, i can't enjoy it anymore because it's consuming me and swallowing me whole, leaving no time for anything else - yes, maybe if i worked on making time i could, maybe if i zoomed through my homework and finished it quickly, yes, but that's so hard, it's so tedious, it's often so boring, it takes so much energy, ahhh, it doesn't really seem like i'm doing it for myself, i'm doing it because this world requires it, it's really a lot, a lot of stress, pressure, stress, after all my injury is called a stress fracture so i guess even my calf is feeling it ?!]

what do i do?

i so often wish there was a guidebook, a rulebook, something i could follow because at certain points i don't know what to do with myself. yes my life is wonderful and so full with love and opportunity and creativity but really, i feel like a burnt pancake -

even my analogies are rusty ! help! i'm taking the psat's on wednesday!

help ! i'm on crutches so i can't walk! help ! i'm so thirsty but the fridge is a full 10 feet away and i'm alone in this big house in the middle of this crowded city and i'm so thirsty and my eyes are hurting, i need glasses, my head is pounding, like usual, my lips are chapped, my lab report isn't finished despite the hours i've spent on it, my future is all depending on now, pressure, stress, oh my my stress fracture just can't take it anymore


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