Saturday, October 4, 2014

3 2 1 gone

I'm kind of lost and I have no idea who I am or where I am or what I am.
When I was walking down the street today, as raindrops brushed against my cheeks, I started to think.
I started thinking about thinking.
A young couple walked by.
The guy kissed the girl's cheek and they laughed.
And then I looked at my hands and I looked at my feet and I started to wonder who I really was. Am.
And I wondered how I got there, to that moment, walking down the wet sidewalk on a Saturday in New York.

I'm trying to think how to put my thoughts into words, because I can't really describe it.
The indescribable mind is both so evil and beautiful at the same time.

And at that moment I just felt like clenching my teeth and and smashing my head open until it burst into a million pieces.

But of course I didn't do that.

Now I'm not walking anymore.
I'm standing still in the middle of the rainy sidewalk.
I'm sitting in the middle of the rainy sidewalk.
I close my eyes and fall over.

I wonder how I'm here. If the past is unretrievable and the future is always ahead, I wonder if anything matters but now.
But the crazy part is that here wouldn't be here if it weren't for then.
So it's not now that matters, only everything else.

I'm sort of having the worst and the best time of my life.
I love high school but I also really hate it.
I have friends but I'm all alone.
I win race after race but I feel like I'm loosing.

But everything's kind of perfect.
But nothing's working.

My pumpkin pie is almost finished baking.
It's October.

That's what's so confusing!
Time isn't flying it's zipping by, not leaving any spare moments to enjoy the now.

I'm confused and lost but every time I find an answer there's not enough time to put it to use.

I keep doing work for other people and nothing for myself.

My retainer hurts.

My friend just sent me a snapchat.

3 her eyes are shut 2 she's lying on the ground 1 she's holding something 0 she's gone.

3 2 1 gone.

Gone gone.

Gone with the wind.

Gone girl.

Gone gone. You'll be gone one day so I wonder if it's worth holding on to now; if it's even worth trying to hold on to  now because it's so short.

I'm confused.

3 2 1 gone.

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