Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The Things You Wait For Always Eventually Happen

There are so many choices and decisions we have to make in life. Constantly. There are little choices that we make everyday, like simply choosing what we're going to wear, what we're going to eat, what we're going to do.
But then there are those bigger choices. Or at least you have the illusion that they're bigger. They're the choices that supposedly affect your future in a greater sense. The decisions that we think about so much, but never really think we'll have to actually make a final choice. The idea of the choice is some fantasy we ponder over so, so very much: but, at least for me, I don't truly believe I'll ever actually have to make the choice. Like somehow it will just happen.
But when the time when you really have to sit down and decide once and for all, it's scary. Everything you've ever thought on the matter comes rushing back, and each time you lean towards one side, something about the other pulls you back. And it's a constant see saw. And it's not allowed to lay perfectly balanced and in the middle, because you can't every have both. You have to chose.
I think I was raised with the philosophy of "both." Like if I wanted to try a cookie and a cake, my parents would let me have both. Maybe they thought it would help me form my own opinions and decisions by trying everything.
 But now, making decisions is so, so hard for me! Every time I'm positive with my choice, I feel a sudden urge of guilt and regret. I'm never happy with one. I want both. Both. Or at least a combination.
Oh, if only you could design your own world.

I'm referring to high school.
Bard or Stuyvesant?
I really, honestly don't even know at this point.
Yesterday, I was so set on Stuy. Now, I think Bard just might be for me.
For some weird reason, I feel like I'm gonna lose my outer life, my home, friends life, with whichever school I go to. But I guess wherever I go, I can be me, and I'll still have time and choices and options outside of school. I don't know.

I also really, really hope I stay friends with the friends I have in eighth grade now. They're really special. I have so much fun with them.

Lily, Jolene, Maya, Amber, Asia, Ione, Momo, Grace, Cloe, Hannah Lola, Lucy.

I hope I become a singer/songwriter during high school.

I hope I write another book: like a good, young adult juicy book.

I hope I design something big and useful and awesome.

I hope I have fun.

I really, really hope I'll stay happy wherever I go.

I hope my life turns out okay.

No, not okay.


Honestly, it better be great. I'm working hard.

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