Tuesday, October 22, 2013

The world is on fire.
Slowly burning up, with beauty, with hate. With satisfaction, with discontent.
As I sit here at my desk and listen to the faint melodies of my brother playing piano, each chord he plays really feels like a movie soundtrack-as if it's narrating the next steps in my life. I feel like I have nothing going on yet I have so much. As if the whole world depends on one moment-this moment-yet in the end, it really doesn't mean anything. My head is always hurting, and everything seems so white and discolored and drained. Yet there are those few moments-those moments in school at my table in homeroom where everyone is laughing and the teacher is telling us to take out a book for Project REAL, and we keep laughing and speaking loudly and just feeling, through our carelessness, that everything is infinite. Those moments at home, when I'm talking to my mom, or dad, and I feel I can share my story. Or when I see my brother in his childhood innocence, speaking with attitude and confidence that the rest of the world doesn't realize how badly it wants. With my friends-not my "school" friends, per se-but with HLV and LP, I'm always in the middle. They really both hate each other. And although for a while it's funny, it's like, seriously, give it a break, as my dad loves to say.
The little things that make me smile, like when I drew a worm on the side of my finger and moved my hand up and down so it looked like the tiny creature was moving. Or those stupid jokes I'm always thinking of, pointlessly hilarious.
Although there's so much to do, I am, in this strange way, afraid of nothing. Like when I'm done applying to high school, I'll just have so much time! 
And all I want to do is play soccer, let the addreneline take over me and let my mind be swooped away and constantly be thinking about the next move. Or being at school with my friends, complaining and making jokes about how awful school is-but at least we're all there. Together.
People are afraid of nothing. Of emptiness. Because what are we supposed to do if we're not preoccupied? Really. We force ourselves to look up to someone, to follow the rules, to go along with the crowd. But what about those leaders? And those inventors? Who are they looking up to?
I just don't know. And I don't want to think. I want to just be in another world, focused-reading, watching, doing, playing, being, running, focusing. Not, just, being.

but u ain't done 'till u eat ur veggies huney. uh-uh.

See? That made me smile.

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