stress fractures & guidebooks

i feel so awful, and i don't know why.

i feel like i have nothing to do, and yet, i have so much. endless homework, but also so many other things i want to do for myself.

i just don't have energy to do anything.

my leg hurts - after my last cross country 5k race on wednesday i collapsed and could not walk only to realize that i have a stress fracture in my left tibia that had been getting worse and worse as i pushed harder and harder into the season but finally turned itself in. and now i am on crutches and will not be able to walk for at least 3 weeks.

next week i have a chemistry exam, chinese midterm, math exam, a global essay due, and a literature essay due.

i want to finish my book, play guitar, do my design project, create my app, take more pictures, paint, make big art projects, work on coding, read, listen to music, watch movies, be with my friends

and yet i'm sitting here doing nothing.

this is such a cliche question but is so relevant and so real - what's the point?

really, what is it? i'd love to know.

because my mom'll come and tell me, the point is for yourself, to do what makes you happy, and yeah, sure, but there's so much else i have to do, i can't now do these other things or i won't be able to survive in this society - school is brutal beyond brutal and yes i enjoy it but only up to a point, i can't enjoy it anymore because it's consuming me and swallowing me whole, leaving no time for anything else - yes, maybe if i worked on making time i could, maybe if i zoomed through my homework and finished it quickly, yes, but that's so hard, it's so tedious, it's often so boring, it takes so much energy, ahhh, it doesn't really seem like i'm doing it for myself, i'm doing it because this world requires it, it's really a lot, a lot of stress, pressure, stress, after all my injury is called a stress fracture so i guess even my calf is feeling it ?!]

what do i do?

i so often wish there was a guidebook, a rulebook, something i could follow because at certain points i don't know what to do with myself. yes my life is wonderful and so full with love and opportunity and creativity but really, i feel like a burnt pancake -

even my analogies are rusty ! help! i'm taking the psat's on wednesday!

help ! i'm on crutches so i can't walk! help ! i'm so thirsty but the fridge is a full 10 feet away and i'm alone in this big house in the middle of this crowded city and i'm so thirsty and my eyes are hurting, i need glasses, my head is pounding, like usual, my lips are chapped, my lab report isn't finished despite the hours i've spent on it, my future is all depending on now, pressure, stress, oh my my stress fracture just can't take it anymore

EEK / BRRR / CRACK / CHIIII / KKKKK / EEEEEP / AHHH / OOOO / oooooof.

The Cape of Cape Cod

Well, it's been more than a week.

We're back home. Back to the heat. Back to errands. Back to the crowded streets. Back to the noise.

Back in the rhythm of what we call home.

But Cape Cod has not left me. And it never will. Because from our incredible time there I was given a cape, the Cape of Cape Cod, that I can wear no matter where I am.


When I close my eyes and wrap the cape tightly around me, I am brought back. All my senses are so vivid and alive, fired by all the memories. I can hear the bay, the water swaying back and forth; the trees, gently blowing in the wind; the cicadas, chirping as they do day by day; the sound of the shower running down my back after a run; the hose on my feet brushing sand off after an evening walk; everyone's voice shouting spot it in unison; my dad's voice, sharing with me his experiences and stories; the sound of the tennis ball hit perfectly in the center of the racket; four voices in unison singing wildly to Sylvan Esso, Breathe and Exhale, Lorde; the melodies of the jazz as we all sit in tranquil content, the wind blowing on our faces as we look out the car window and watch the world go by; Philippe Starck and his French accent: tok tok tok! I can smell the fresh, clear air, that deliciously simple harmony of the ocean and the bay and the grass and the trees that all swirl together to create nature's aroma; I can smell the wafts of the delicious seafood cioppino that my dad is cooking in the kitchen. I can taste the salty water, the clear water, the juicy fruit popsicles- from Hatches, the crumbling brown sugar from the oatmeal raisin cookies, the delicate smoked bluefish, the perfect crispy edges of Lola's blueberry muffins. I can feel the silky water of each pond, the intricate shapes of shells on the beach, the prickly tips of Indian grass, the fishing rod in my hands, my fingers gripping the steering wheel of the car, my brother on my shoulders, my moms arms wrapped around me; I can feel my body unravel as the ocean picks me up and takes me on a roller coaster ride, a whirlwind of waves coming at me every which way, the beautiful white foam from the crests of the waves, that sensation of diving under the waves at White Crest and the spinning underwater that makes me giggle and smile and feel like a little child; the water rushing up over my feet during low tide; my feet on the foam of skim board, my legs bending as I spin and glide along the Sluce Way; my arms, moving one after the other, as I swim with my mom across each and every single pond; the boogie board as it soars me across the water. I can see the bay, the bay in between the trees that make a frame around it when you look from the backyard, the bay as the sun rises and the tide is stretched far, far out and oysters and mussels and clams fill the space of the sand, the bay as the grass sways on the sand in the glowing heat of the afternoon sun overlooking a marvelous body of sparkling salty water, the bay in the early evening as the sun is going down but still gifts us with it's lovely, comforting pastel colors, painting the sky with pale pinks and blues, the bay in the evening, the tide right up to the grass and the tide way out by the sandbars, the waves crashing and rumbling and the waves gently swinging back and forth, the bay that so gloriously lays under the marvelous sky with the innumerable stars shining so intensely, the moon that goes from a sliver to a circle each month, the bayside that is sunny and cloudy and and warm and chilly and clear and foggy, the bay that never stays the same, the bay that is always changing, the bay that reminds you that life isn't permanent and never will be, that each moment is special in itself, each moment is irreparable and irreplaceable, each moment is for us to enjoy for what it is because it will never be the same again, the bay that is free and unbounded and ever-changing and beautiful and wonderful and magnificent and incredible and where my family comes together and appreciates all these wonders.

All of these senses, these feelings, these memories, all rushing back, making me smile, making me cry, making me realize and remember how wonderful this earth is, this universe is, this world truly is.

I wrote this the night before I left Cape Cod:

It’s 12:01 am on Friday night (or Saturday morning) and we’re leaving Cape Cod tomorrow. I’ll write about the whole trip later but I just wanted to write a little right now and capture the immediate pleasure and satisfaction and joy that I’ve had with this trip. It’s been seriously, truly incredible. I don’t think there’s ever been a month of my life where I’ve learned more–about everything. About myself, about my interests, about the people around me, about my relationships with people, about how I think, about how the world works, about history, about the future, about art, about science, about design, about great people, about music, about food, about the stock market, about nature, about the moon, about the tides, about animals, ABOUT THIS INCREDIBLE WORLD! I’ve had so many feelings– I think I’ve had every feeling there is to have these past four weeks. There’ve been ups and downs and internal storms and battles against myself and swirling emotional tornadoes and hurricanes of feelings and just everything. But I feel good. I feel really good right now. I feel satisfied, content, so happy and thankful for an amazing summer. Very sad it’s coming to an end but endlessly grateful that it happened. Thank you, Cape Cod, for you. For everything you have to offer. For your beauty. For your wisdom. For your tranquility. For your life. For making me not only feel so alive but making me excited to be alive. Excited for this world. Excited for the future. Excited for me to grow more into me. Ready.

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I will wear the Cape of Cape Cod forever. Writing this and remembering this makes me feel more confident for and at peace with all the new experiences to come, however nerve-wracking and intimidating and intense and new they may be. I feel so honored to have been giving this Cape, and it will never, ever leave me.

ohmyGOD - so I want to redesign my room and I've been looking online for desks and rugs and bookshelves - I've found a few really cute things on Urban Outfitters, and so I wanted to show my dad because I really value his input and he's really creative and has a great design sense. and the second I show him, he gets up and begins a massive wave of rage and intensity and design preaching, really, on how I should never ever ever ever look on urban outfitters again, not look at such CRAP, you need some QUALITY Lola, QUALITY, look at philippe starck, marc newson, some real people, not ripoffs, and so I go okay so you're going to buy me a desk and a bookshelf made by these top notch designers because that's what I need, and he goes yeah sure of COURSE find one and I'll buy it for you so I look it up and the first thing I find is a $7,000 marc newson chair so I go k I found one I like buy it for me and he goes uhhh and I go EXACTLY but he goes you need top notch and I go mhmmm and he keeps ranting about urban outfitters, Lola you don't need that crap, you need to show your young face and go get some real stuff, come on Lola, you're young, young young young everybody loves young people they want YOU just email them and ask them if you can have a chair for $400 because you're YOUNG and they'll look at your cute little face with those two little braids and say YES yes YES so I said okayyyyyyyyy and then went back to urban outfitters (????!?!?!?!??!?!!!!!???) I love my dad and he's RIGHT but HOW can I get all this it's all so EXPENSIVE well apparently I'm YOUNG so hopefully that gets me somewhere AHHHHHH

summer

math final DONE! (it was sososo hard)

finals finals finals

tomorrow i have my math final, and then on wednesday my physics in the morning and history in the afternoon. i have been studying like crazy. i need to study more though. ahhhh the only way i'm getting myself through this is by telling myself that it's all going to be over in a few days–i just have to work really hard and push through this last intense week and then it will all be over.

until sophomore year... where it'll start all over.

uh-oh

FOURTEEN YEARS OF LIVING AND EIGHT YEARS OF AMERICAN HISTORY AND I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT COMMUNISM IS EEEEEEK.

& my history final is in two days.


studystudystudy study study study study stu(dying)

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