summer evenings

when you're having a mid-teen crisis (and don't know who you are).

unfortunately

Life has become a preparation for tomorrow, instead of the enjoyment of today.

(the kind of writing that uses excessive, insignificant details to express something deeper)

~ golden raspberries:

framboises jaunes are the finest raspberries on the market. only people with fancy fur coats and 3-inch heels and velour lingerie can eat them. red raspberries are for people with jansport backpacks and target exercise clothing and library books. and there are no exceptions to the rules. rules never have exceptions or else they simply would not be rules. everybody knows that. and everybody also knows that fresh figs are for the people that work on wall street and dried figs are for the artists, because the fresh figs taste better and that’s just how it goes. the stock traders sip the san pelligrino while the painters gulp down the canada dry because that’s the way the world is made. but if you walk down the street with your leather purse and your pearl necklace you’re not allowed to try those red raspberries, even if you really want to. oh no, no no. and you can read all the books you want of rich manhattan kids that go to boarding school in paris and take walks on the rivier siene and eat crepes for their first dates; there are oh so many of those books that try to convince you that the world will come scoop you up all by itself and cradle you forever; you can believe that but then you’ll spend your whole life waiting for something that simply isn’t going to come dear, and no, those golden raspberries are mine. they're not for sharing.

feb 2015

Life has this inherent fear factor that is nearly impossible to get over. We are always scared of what people might think about us–the way we look, the way we dress, the way we act. We are constantly overwhelmed by social pressures, norms, and expectations. So in fact we are not ourselves but a collection of muted fragments of ourselves that are all adjusted and altered to fit the prerequisites of others. 

New Years 2015

January 1^st, 2015. woaHaHaHaH i cannot believe it.

We just got back from Hulbert family camp. Bro’s bday was yesterday- new years eve baby and he didn’t even stay up till midnight.

I did, though. We drank champagne (sparkling apple cider), dropped the ball (a big, paper mache hand made ball that everyone wrote their names on with glue and glitter), and sang a song as the clock striked 12am in the upper dining hall of the lodge. It was spectacular.

The late hours leading up to the special moment were filled with ping pong matches, super fun contra dancing, whispering about boys who liked us with maya and lior, taking bathroom selfies with momo, annoying seth with Mathew, munching on potato sips and drinking multiple cups of coffee and lipton tea, talking with adults, hearing their stories, and feeling nervous yet ecstatic for the year to come.

2015. 5 is such a powerful number, because it is the number that initiates rounding up. 1,2,3,4, we could associate with 2010, basically, but 2015 unlocks this astonishing idea of 2020 that seems so far away but really truly isn’t. mind blowing.

I had a really fantastic time at family camp. With my family, with my friends that felt like family. Hulbert creates such an amazing community–and I mean the idea of Hulbert as not only a place, but a place where community, family, humor, relaxation, comfort, fun, and joy (such a cliché word omg) are all part  of the experience. I hope we go every year; this was only our second time going, but already, there’s something so special about this group of people that come from far and wide and rarely see each other during the year, but all gather together in this amazing place and share this amazing experience of embracing the new year together, every year.

It’s 9:59pm and I’m going to sleep now. But 2014 was a packed year, filled with probably every emotion possible. I’m not going to say it was all happy, or all sad, because that would be bullshit. It was kind of everything. I met so many new people, tried so many new things, had so many new experience. And every thing I did helped build the person I am right now, and I’m grateful for everything that happened.

My mom made a slideshow of pictures from 2014 from roman’s bday, and she was so inspired and enthused that she made ones for my and my dad. Seeing all those photos unleashed so many memories that I’d nearly forgotten, and just made me realize how much has happened.

How busy life is. How packed it is.

How every second, every minute, every hour, every day something new is happening.

And yet, I’ve found some sort of peace in the midst of all that.

That chaos is peaceful, because it’s life.

I took a yoga class at Hulbert for one of the activities, and now I’m really into that.

so au revoir 2014, and namaste 2015.