I don’t know what im feeling / how im feeling / I don’t know
if its good or bad or mad or sad or happy or upset or crazy or free or trapped
or loose or tight or ANYTHING / one second I think im feeling something and
then I put on a song and my entire mood SHIFTS / there are a lot of songs that
make me feel this super precise feeling / super exact feeling / I know exactly
what it is in my mind / but there’s no way at all that I could possible put it
in words / it’s a feeling that makes me want to dive into the ocean and drink
all the water in it / it makes me want to paint myself yellow / it makes me
want to hug every single person that I’ve ever encountered / it makes me want
to choke myself and never want to breathe again / it makes me want to climb a
thousand feet and jump down into an infinite pool of waer / I cant stress this
dichotomy enough / its so fucking fucked up but so fucking wonderful at the
same time / I hate it I love it / but im telling you when these songs play I go
INSANE / I cant feel myself anymore / I run away from myself inside myself / I
am you him her them us / I want to smash a window and watch the glass shatter
in slow motion / all these images / dark / light / I really really really
actually seriously don’t care what they say anymore / HOW IS THIS MUSIC SO REAL
FOR ME / I see my brother sitting there in the corner / totally in his own
world / not affected at all by what’s going around him / I’m going to crush
this lightbulb with my bare fingers / I want the ink to leak out of all my pens
and stain my entire life with mismatched colors / I want to layer on every
single sweatshirt I have and drown in all the fabric / there’s no YOU I DON’T
KNOW WHAT ALL THESE SONGS ARE REFERENCING / why am I such a SHIT ASS PERSON /
but im fucking incredible / there are so many things ahead of me / there are so
many trashy things that I really love / Im always way too concerned about doing
things for OTHER people, for OTHER reasons, but I need to start doing things
for MYSELF / things are so much easier when I think about them / my mind is a
level 1 and life is at a level that isn’t even quantifiable / ahhhhh
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! / no matter how many times I cover my ears with my hands and
tell myself this can’t be real, I open my eyes and every time, it’s all the
same
I’m actually really really happy. can I still have these
feelings?
I'm trying to be an artist and a writer and a high school student; I'm trying to take ACT prep courses and make a photography website and be a big sister; I'm trying to create an app and get a boyfriend and be on my school's soccer team; I'm trying to have fun and be social and be healthy and watch TV and read; I'm trying to have good style and get enough sleep and go to concerts; I'm trying to make new friends and spend time with my family and finish all my homework.
