Juggling

I'm trying to be an artist and a writer and a high school student; I'm trying to take ACT prep courses and make a photography website and be a big sister; I'm trying to create an app and get a boyfriend and be on my school's soccer team; I'm trying to have fun and be social and be healthy and watch TV and read; I'm trying to have good style and get enough sleep and go to concerts; I'm trying to make new friends and spend time with my family and finish all my homework.

I'm trying to be me and to become more of me and learn about me but me is many and everywhere and I'm having a bit of a hard time juggling it all. I'm trying to accept that dropping the pins once in a while might just be okay if I can somehow get the others higher in the air.

wow what

I don’t know what im feeling / how im feeling / I don’t know if its good or bad or mad or sad or happy or upset or crazy or free or trapped or loose or tight or ANYTHING / one second I think im feeling something and then I put on a song and my entire mood SHIFTS / there are a lot of songs that make me feel this super precise feeling / super exact feeling / I know exactly what it is in my mind / but there’s no way at all that I could possible put it in words / it’s a feeling that makes me want to dive into the ocean and drink all the water in it / it makes me want to paint myself yellow / it makes me want to hug every single person that I’ve ever encountered / it makes me want to choke myself and never want to breathe again / it makes me want to climb a thousand feet and jump down into an infinite pool of waer / I cant stress this dichotomy enough / its so fucking fucked up but so fucking wonderful at the same time / I hate it I love it / but im telling you when these songs play I go INSANE / I cant feel myself anymore / I run away from myself inside myself / I am you him her them us / I want to smash a window and watch the glass shatter in slow motion / all these images / dark / light / I really really really actually seriously don’t care what they say anymore / HOW IS THIS MUSIC SO REAL FOR ME / I see my brother sitting there in the corner / totally in his own world / not affected at all by what’s going around him / I’m going to crush this lightbulb with my bare fingers / I want the ink to leak out of all my pens and stain my entire life with mismatched colors / I want to layer on every single sweatshirt I have and drown in all the fabric / there’s no YOU I DON’T KNOW WHAT ALL THESE SONGS ARE REFERENCING / why am I such a SHIT ASS PERSON / but im fucking incredible / there are so many things ahead of me / there are so many trashy things that I really love / Im always way too concerned about doing things for OTHER people, for OTHER reasons, but I need to start doing things for MYSELF / things are so much easier when I think about them / my mind is a level 1 and life is at a level that isn’t even quantifiable / ahhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! / no matter how many times I cover my ears with my hands and tell myself this can’t be real, I open my eyes and every time, it’s all the same

I’m actually really really happy. can I still have these feelings?

PSAT - real time on social media !!

OMG THIS WORLD IS SO FUNNY - SOCIAL MEDIA IS FUCKING AWESOME HAHAHAHA I'M LAUGHING SO HARD !!


(this is my face right now!!)

so I took the PSAT today–it wasn't that hard, but there wasn't enough time... it was so short, with no time to check your work–but anyway, that's not the best part. when I got home, I looked on instagram and there was already a #psat2015 hashtag on twitter and instagram with people posting all these edits and memes form the test, and they're crazy funny. they're not really funny to anyone else, but it's basically an inside joke between everyone who took the test today and IT'S SO FUNNY I'M DYING!!! they're all relevant to some part of the test, like a reading passage or a math problem or the grammar section, and it's awesome seeing these because it makes you feel about taking the test because you know all these people had the same struggles / confusions with it as you did.

this twitter feed with the same hashtag is really funny: https://twitter.com/search?q=%23PSAT2015&src=hash&lang=ms

   

                          

and this is my FAVORITE ONE:

keep it moving, rolling, flowing

it literally NEVER stops.

I thought I had minimal homework tonight–I got home at 5:00–and I just finished.

tomorrow I'm taking the PSATs... I wonder how that'll go.

Ooo, today I got glasses! They're a clear frame and I think they look pretty cool – they also make everything supremely clear, so helpfully that'll help me see better and reduce my headaches. Last night, two of my friends came over and then we went to my other friends house for dinner, which was really fun. It was all five of us and we were just hanging out and eating dinner and chilling (on a school night!) and it was just really really fun. Fun people! And everyone could be themselves, not worry / or filter themselves, just be open and relaxed and have a good time being with good people. It felt really good! And then one of my friends slept over and we spent the whole night talking about how although the workload is insane right now, our social situation is really really good–it's genuine, it's fun, it's with raw, real, hilarious, down to earth-people. It's great!

But we went to bed super late and both slept terribly and woke up at 7am... but it's all worth it! Right? (or so we tell ourselves because it's the only way we'll get through it... because like I said, it never stops.)

here's my picture of the day... from my trip to LA, which I can hardly believe was more than three months ago! wow. time doesn't fly by. well, it does. really, really fast.

yeeesh.

PSA: current state of overwhelming happiness – contrary to the circumstances!

So today is Columbus day, which essentially just means no school.

Gee thanks, Columbus, for discovering this place where ALL I DO IS HOMEWORK 24/7.

I've spent a solid 5 hours on my lab report over these past few days–no joke! And my history readings are massive, the Chinese vocabulary is never-ending, and my lit essay is peering down at my from above sneakily waiting to seize me the second I think I'm free.

It's actually okay, though. I feel fine, if not actually really pretty good! I haven't been outside for over 48 hours, and have pretty much remained in the triangular vicinity of the kitchen, my desk, and the couch... so instead of being restless and depressed I'm surprisingly feeling quite positive. Plus the mango I'm eating right now–which I cut up FOR MY SELF WHILE STANDING ON ONE LEG!–is really really good.

I'm supposed to hangout out with my friends later today, but no one is responding in the group chat and only he girls are making legitimate plans... not to stereotype or anything (!!) but boys are generally pretty bad at planning anything until about ten seconds before it happens! Oh well. My friend is also coming over tonight to sleepover and help me get to school tomorrow as I am still on crutches and even walking to the bathroom is like fighting WWII. But! Alas! I'm surviving.

I'm feeling really weird – I would never say alas – but you know what, I'm just gonna roll with it!

One of my dad's favorite concepts is this idea of the dialogue–that we all constantly have so many different dialogues with different things going on all at once. A dialogue with your friends, with your family, with your schoolwork, with your music, etc. And his way of approaching things, especially challenging, sometimes painful things, is to try and open up a dialogue with them. He said to me, Lola, open up a dialogue with your leg, start a conversation, let it know you want it to heal and the two of you can work something out.

It's sort of a wonderful, brilliant concept. I don't think we realize how many relationships we have going on all the time. Our idea of what a relationship means is sort of so limiting and if we look at in in the sense of our interactions with everything around us, it can be really freeing and a vehicle for us to communicate with ourselves and with the world.

Anyway, I'm just feeling really positive and collected and calm. One thing that's definitely helped with that is the conversation I had with my dad a few nights ago before my parents left on their trip. A lot of shit had gone down over the last few weeks, with constant arguments, misunderstandings, tears, and hurt feelings for honestly such unnecessary reasons. We're both so similar: so sort of stubborn, adamant, hungry to let one another know that we're right–although, what's ironic about that is we view ourselves as open and willing to accept new ideas and ways of looking at things, but really we're often the opposite. So although many of our conversations are wonderful and so insightful and fun and fascinating, often we end up in these heated debates that we could have easily prevented if we were both just a little more willing to listen to one another.

We finally, finally talked about it–for real. We listened to each other and it was one of the most powerful, down to earth, honest discussions we've ever had. I love him so so so much and he's one of my very best friends and I hate being on bad terms with him. With anyone, really, but especially family. It's just not worth it. It hurts, it's painful, but it shouldn't be because in truth everyone really has so much love for one another.

ooooooooof. So that's nice to not have to worry about now. We are on really great terms and it's making me really happy.

Also my parents are having a great time in Miami – they're sending me all these pictures and they both look so happy and relaxed and peaceful and that's also making me happy!

And I'm texting my old friend and she just sent me a picture of her adorable little new dog and that's also making me really happy!

And it's the time of fall where the leaves on all the trees are turning this gorgeous greenish gold and it's so beautiful and the light is shining through them right outside my window and that's also making me really happy!

And I'm really into my new haircut so that's also making me really happy!

And I watched a cool documentary on design called Objectified last night and I learned a lot and I'm super into design and especially product design and that's also making me happy!

I'm also getting these cool new glasses that are clear soon so hopefully that'll not only help my eyes but actually look cool so that's making me happy!

And life's really so rich and full of so many wonderful things, and sometimes it's so hard to believe that and to see that but it's really, really true! If there's one thing I've learned form this absurdly intense and rigorous school system, and cross country as well, is that there will be certain things in life that are so hard to push through, so hard to not give up, so hard to keep going and tell yourself that it's going to be okay, so unbelievably challenging and consuming and wicked but when you get through these things, when you're done, there's this feeling of immense accomplishment, of invincibility, that you can do anything and you can survive. Really. We can do it.

stress fractures & guidebooks

i feel so awful, and i don't know why.

i feel like i have nothing to do, and yet, i have so much. endless homework, but also so many other things i want to do for myself.

i just don't have energy to do anything.

my leg hurts - after my last cross country 5k race on wednesday i collapsed and could not walk only to realize that i have a stress fracture in my left tibia that had been getting worse and worse as i pushed harder and harder into the season but finally turned itself in. and now i am on crutches and will not be able to walk for at least 3 weeks.

next week i have a chemistry exam, chinese midterm, math exam, a global essay due, and a literature essay due.

i want to finish my book, play guitar, do my design project, create my app, take more pictures, paint, make big art projects, work on coding, read, listen to music, watch movies, be with my friends

and yet i'm sitting here doing nothing.

this is such a cliche question but is so relevant and so real - what's the point?

really, what is it? i'd love to know.

because my mom'll come and tell me, the point is for yourself, to do what makes you happy, and yeah, sure, but there's so much else i have to do, i can't now do these other things or i won't be able to survive in this society - school is brutal beyond brutal and yes i enjoy it but only up to a point, i can't enjoy it anymore because it's consuming me and swallowing me whole, leaving no time for anything else - yes, maybe if i worked on making time i could, maybe if i zoomed through my homework and finished it quickly, yes, but that's so hard, it's so tedious, it's often so boring, it takes so much energy, ahhh, it doesn't really seem like i'm doing it for myself, i'm doing it because this world requires it, it's really a lot, a lot of stress, pressure, stress, after all my injury is called a stress fracture so i guess even my calf is feeling it ?!]

what do i do?

i so often wish there was a guidebook, a rulebook, something i could follow because at certain points i don't know what to do with myself. yes my life is wonderful and so full with love and opportunity and creativity but really, i feel like a burnt pancake -

even my analogies are rusty ! help! i'm taking the psat's on wednesday!

help ! i'm on crutches so i can't walk! help ! i'm so thirsty but the fridge is a full 10 feet away and i'm alone in this big house in the middle of this crowded city and i'm so thirsty and my eyes are hurting, i need glasses, my head is pounding, like usual, my lips are chapped, my lab report isn't finished despite the hours i've spent on it, my future is all depending on now, pressure, stress, oh my my stress fracture just can't take it anymore

EEK / BRRR / CRACK / CHIIII / KKKKK / EEEEEP / AHHH / OOOO / oooooof.

The Cape of Cape Cod

Well, it's been more than a week.

We're back home. Back to the heat. Back to errands. Back to the crowded streets. Back to the noise.

Back in the rhythm of what we call home.

But Cape Cod has not left me. And it never will. Because from our incredible time there I was given a cape, the Cape of Cape Cod, that I can wear no matter where I am.


When I close my eyes and wrap the cape tightly around me, I am brought back. All my senses are so vivid and alive, fired by all the memories. I can hear the bay, the water swaying back and forth; the trees, gently blowing in the wind; the cicadas, chirping as they do day by day; the sound of the shower running down my back after a run; the hose on my feet brushing sand off after an evening walk; everyone's voice shouting spot it in unison; my dad's voice, sharing with me his experiences and stories; the sound of the tennis ball hit perfectly in the center of the racket; four voices in unison singing wildly to Sylvan Esso, Breathe and Exhale, Lorde; the melodies of the jazz as we all sit in tranquil content, the wind blowing on our faces as we look out the car window and watch the world go by; Philippe Starck and his French accent: tok tok tok! I can smell the fresh, clear air, that deliciously simple harmony of the ocean and the bay and the grass and the trees that all swirl together to create nature's aroma; I can smell the wafts of the delicious seafood cioppino that my dad is cooking in the kitchen. I can taste the salty water, the clear water, the juicy fruit popsicles- from Hatches, the crumbling brown sugar from the oatmeal raisin cookies, the delicate smoked bluefish, the perfect crispy edges of Lola's blueberry muffins. I can feel the silky water of each pond, the intricate shapes of shells on the beach, the prickly tips of Indian grass, the fishing rod in my hands, my fingers gripping the steering wheel of the car, my brother on my shoulders, my moms arms wrapped around me; I can feel my body unravel as the ocean picks me up and takes me on a roller coaster ride, a whirlwind of waves coming at me every which way, the beautiful white foam from the crests of the waves, that sensation of diving under the waves at White Crest and the spinning underwater that makes me giggle and smile and feel like a little child; the water rushing up over my feet during low tide; my feet on the foam of skim board, my legs bending as I spin and glide along the Sluce Way; my arms, moving one after the other, as I swim with my mom across each and every single pond; the boogie board as it soars me across the water. I can see the bay, the bay in between the trees that make a frame around it when you look from the backyard, the bay as the sun rises and the tide is stretched far, far out and oysters and mussels and clams fill the space of the sand, the bay as the grass sways on the sand in the glowing heat of the afternoon sun overlooking a marvelous body of sparkling salty water, the bay in the early evening as the sun is going down but still gifts us with it's lovely, comforting pastel colors, painting the sky with pale pinks and blues, the bay in the evening, the tide right up to the grass and the tide way out by the sandbars, the waves crashing and rumbling and the waves gently swinging back and forth, the bay that so gloriously lays under the marvelous sky with the innumerable stars shining so intensely, the moon that goes from a sliver to a circle each month, the bayside that is sunny and cloudy and and warm and chilly and clear and foggy, the bay that never stays the same, the bay that is always changing, the bay that reminds you that life isn't permanent and never will be, that each moment is special in itself, each moment is irreparable and irreplaceable, each moment is for us to enjoy for what it is because it will never be the same again, the bay that is free and unbounded and ever-changing and beautiful and wonderful and magnificent and incredible and where my family comes together and appreciates all these wonders.

All of these senses, these feelings, these memories, all rushing back, making me smile, making me cry, making me realize and remember how wonderful this earth is, this universe is, this world truly is.

I wrote this the night before I left Cape Cod:

It’s 12:01 am on Friday night (or Saturday morning) and we’re leaving Cape Cod tomorrow. I’ll write about the whole trip later but I just wanted to write a little right now and capture the immediate pleasure and satisfaction and joy that I’ve had with this trip. It’s been seriously, truly incredible. I don’t think there’s ever been a month of my life where I’ve learned more–about everything. About myself, about my interests, about the people around me, about my relationships with people, about how I think, about how the world works, about history, about the future, about art, about science, about design, about great people, about music, about food, about the stock market, about nature, about the moon, about the tides, about animals, ABOUT THIS INCREDIBLE WORLD! I’ve had so many feelings– I think I’ve had every feeling there is to have these past four weeks. There’ve been ups and downs and internal storms and battles against myself and swirling emotional tornadoes and hurricanes of feelings and just everything. But I feel good. I feel really good right now. I feel satisfied, content, so happy and thankful for an amazing summer. Very sad it’s coming to an end but endlessly grateful that it happened. Thank you, Cape Cod, for you. For everything you have to offer. For your beauty. For your wisdom. For your tranquility. For your life. For making me not only feel so alive but making me excited to be alive. Excited for this world. Excited for the future. Excited for me to grow more into me. Ready.

-

I will wear the Cape of Cape Cod forever. Writing this and remembering this makes me feel more confident for and at peace with all the new experiences to come, however nerve-wracking and intimidating and intense and new they may be. I feel so honored to have been giving this Cape, and it will never, ever leave me.